


Where Do We Begin, the Rubble or Our Sins?

by belasteals



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Grief, M/M, Post-Canon, basically just emotion disguised as plot whoops
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-05
Updated: 2016-01-06
Packaged: 2018-05-11 20:25:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5640736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/belasteals/pseuds/belasteals
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Things weren't supposed to get worse after the Battle of Starkiller Base, but the universe has other ideas in mind. Instead, Poe faces unexpected consequences for his actions, Rey struggles with life in the Resistance, and Finn is left to pick up the pieces. (Canon-divergent where Rey doesn't leave right away to find Luke. Eventual Finn/Poe. Will be updated as work continues. SPOILERS for TFA)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Day 0**

They take Finn off the Falcon, wheeling him away through the crowd with the pilot running after him, but Rey’s feet don’t move to follow. Instead, she stands, numb to the voices and bodies around her, while her mind sluggishly tries to catch up with the last few hours. Then the General is there, and if Rey weren’t so preoccupied, so _lost_ , she would have felt the Force dancing between the two of them right away, but instead she only leans into the older woman’s arms as exhaustion hits her at last.

 

**Day 1**

_Beep._

_Beep._

_Beep._

Rey opens her eyes, and the world is too white, too clean, too noisy, and for a terrifying second she doesn’t know where she is, until it all comes back.

She’s on D’Qar, in the medical wing of the Resistance base. Han Solo is dead. Starkiller Base is gone. Finn…

Rey lurches up from her bed, only to be stopped short by the wires attached to her arm. She stares at them uncomprehendingly, until a tired-looking woman in a Resistance uniform pushes back the curtains around her.

“Where’s Finn?”

“Miss Rey. You gave us a bit of a scare.” The woman clucks her tongue, turning her attention to the screens next to Rey’s bed. “You’re lucky dehydration and exhaustion were your only problems.”

“Where is he?”

“It won’t do to get yourself all excited. We have no reason to keep you here all day, but you must rest, and return this evening for post-evalua-”

Rey grabs the woman’s arm, pulling herself up until they’re face to face. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Where. Is. My. Friend?”

The woman is shockingly unfazed. “I apologize, Miss Rey. You must be quite disoriented, waking up here alone. Your friend is asleep, under the care of the Intensive Care Unit after his surgery. He is gravely injured, but his prognosis is positive. He is expected to make a full recovery.”

Rey releases the woman’s arm, leaning back and exhaling slowly. “He’s going to be okay.”

The woman- the doctor, Rey supposes- nods. “He’ll be asleep for several days, perhaps longer. But for now, it looks like he’s going to be okay.” The doctor begins removing the wires from Rey’s arm, but puts a firm hand on her chest when Rey begins to sit up. “Slowly, now.”

With the doctor’s help, Rey sits, then stands, then wobbles over to where her clothes are folded in the corner of the tiny room. She’s shocked at how weak she feels under the doctor explains what happened. Yesterday, after she’d landed on base (she hugged _Leia Organa_ , a small part of her brain crows), she’d collapsed, and they had rushed her here for evaluation. She hadn’t slept and had barely eaten since this had all started on Jakku. Another time, Rey would have cursed herself for her carelessness, but not now she was more concerned with other matters.

“Can I see him?”

“I suppose. Commander Dameron has been with him, but-”

Rey’s already gone.

•••

Poe snaps to his feet, hand automatically reaching for a blaster when the girl bursts unexpectedly into Finn’s room. BB-8 chirps happily at his feet [ _Friend-Rey!_ ], but she doesn’t seem to see either of them, rushing straight to Finn’s side.

“Woah there.”

The girl looks up guiltily, realizing that there are others in the room. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to run you over.” BB-8 rolls around the bed, beeping rapidly. [ _Friend-Rey has returned! Master Friend-Poe says do not be concerned about Friend-Finn, Friend-Finn sleeps until his systems recover._ ]

“Don’t call me Master,” Poe mutters absently, studying the girl. She smiles kindly at the droid, but it’s clear her attention is on the unconscious man in front of her. Poe watches silently for a few moments as her hands clasp Finn’s, taking the time to size her up. She’s much younger than he expected, no older than twenty, but the way she moves and the muscles evident under her desert clothes make it clear that she would not be an opponent to be taken lightly. He decides that if she’s earned the praise of both Finn and the General, she’s earned his respect as well.

“I’m Poe Dameron. You must be Rey.”

Rey looks up at him, smiling politely. “Finn told me all about you.” The droid bumps up against her leg expectantly. “Yes, and BB-8.” She stands, extending one hand and holding Finn’s with the other. “I hear we owe our lives to you for destroying Starkiller Base. Thank you, Commander.”

Poe laughs, shaking her hand. “I’m told we our _our_ lives to _you_ , so I guess we can call it even.” He indicates Finn with a nod. “Major Kalonia told you he’d be okay? He’s a damn lucky guy, missed a severed spine by a few centimeters. They won’t be sure about his condition until he wakes up, but at least he will wake up.” Rey visibly relaxes sitting down heavily in the chair next to Finn’s bed.

The pilot returns to his seat at Finn’s other side, still watching Rey. The girl probably doesn’t realize that she wears all her emotions on her face- grief, exhaustion, worry. Hope, too. She’s as easy to read as any young recruit who finds their way to the Resistance, but Poe knows this one is different, for more than just the lightsaber on her belt. She reminds him of the stories his father used to tell him, of a young Leia Organa in the rebellion thirty years ago.

They sit in silence until Poe loses track of the time. He’s halfway through constructing his mission report in his mind when his thoughts are interrupted by a loud gurgling sound. For a moment, he isn’t sure what it was, until he realizes that Rey is bright red and mortified. Holding back a laugh, he asks, “When was the last time you ate, kid?”

“I’m… not sure.” She begins to stand, but Poe stops her, already on his feet himself.

“I’ll get us both something. You stay with him.” She smiles appreciatively, sitting back down as Poe slips out of the room and towards the kitchens.

[ _Master Friend-Poe cares much about Friend-Finn._ ]

“He’s a good guy,” Poe replies quietly to the little droid at his heel.

[ _Friend-Rey also cares much about Friend-Finn._ ]

“Yeah, I guess she does.”

[ _Self has observed no evidence that Friend-Rey has romantic feelings towards Friend-Finn._ ]

Poe stops, looking oddly at the droid. “Thanks, BB-8.”

•••

The door closes behind the pilot, and Rey is left to consider their interaction. Finn had told her a bit about him on their way to Maz Kanata’s, but she appreciates the chance to meet him herself. He’s certainly observant- Rey hadn’t felt his eyes leave her since she entered the room. Conventionally attractive and well aware of it, not that she’s interested. More importantly, he clearly cares about Finn. She wonders how long he had been in the room before she woke up.

 _Finn_. His hand is clammy in hers, his breathing almost too even. The machines around them beep with perfect synchronicity, and Rey pushes away the thought of how close she was to losing him. _You’ve only known him for a few days,_ she reminds herself.

 _But he came back for you_.

He came back, all the way to Starkiller Base, when he had wanted nothing more than to get away from it all, just to save her. He picked up a lightsaber and fought Kylo Ren.

Han had died, and Finn had almost died, and Rey was so close to being completely alone again. Angrily she shoves those thoughts away, counting the beeping of the machines until her breathing returns to normal. Then Poe is back with something stolen from the kitchens, and she forces herself to smile again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from Pompeii by Bastille.  
> I promise 1000x more intergalactic space boyfriends now that the first chapter is up and running


	2. Chapter 2

**Day 2**

“Where’s that damned pilot?”

Leia sighs, glaring at the growing pile of paperwork next to her. She’s not looking forward to a morning of reading mission reports, but it’s something to keep her busy, keep her thinking about anything except _him_. That is, of course, if Commander Dameron bothers to turn his in.

“General, Commander Dameron’s current location is in the Intensive Care Unit.” Leia turns in shock towards C-3PO.

“He’s _where_?” Dameron had been fine when he had given his verbal report yesterday. How the man could have possibly landed himself in Intensive Care in the last twenty-four hours was beyond her.

“Commander Dameron spent the night in the Intensive Care Unit watching over the stormtrooper.”

“Well, why didn’t you say that in the first place?” Leia marches past the protocol droid towards the medical wing. Part of her recognizes that she’s being unreasonably angry toward C-3PO, but she refuses to consider the reason for her short temper. Not now.

She isn’t really surprised to find both Dameron and Rey fast asleep in uncomfortable metal chairs when she opens the door to Finn’s room. Rey is curled up, one hand holding Finn’s and the other tucked under her head. On the other side of the room, she’s _almost_ amused to see Dameron slouched over his paperwork, snoring quietly.

“Commander Dameron,” she says sternly.

BB-8 chirps, Rey shoots to her feet, and Dameron drops his papers, only barely stopping himself from falling face-first out of the chair.

“I’m glad you’re more graceful in your ship than out of it, Dameron,” Leia observes. The pilot runs a hand through his hair, flushing in embarrassment. “Is your mission report prepared?”

“I’m sorry, General. I must have fallen asleep. I’ll finish right away.”

“I appreciate your concern for your friend, Commander, but now is not the time for laxity. I expect you to report to me in one hour with finished paperwork.”

“Yes, General.”

She turns her attention to the other person in the room. “Rey. If you’ll come with me, please? We must discuss your future plans.”

The girl nods, following her out of the room quietly.

“Do you wish to stay on with the Resistance?”

“I have nowhere else to go,” Rey replies truthfully.

“Between BB-8 and R2-D2, we have a complete map to find my brother,” Leia says. “We need a pilot to retrieve him. Normally I would send Dameron, but with your abilities, I believe Luke would be more receptive to you. You are also in need of training that only he can provide you.”

Rey nods. “I’d be happy to go.”

“As much as I would like to send you right away, my officers and I agree that it would be prudent for you to receive pilot and combat training first.”

“I can already fly and fight,” the girl frowns. “General.”

“I understand. However, you are to complete a mission for the Resistance, so we prefer you receive Resistance training. This is not a mission we can risk being unprepared for.”

“Yes, General.”

Leia stops, turning to look at Rey. The girl is still a child, full of hope and anger and resolve. _She’s not any older than you were when you got involved in all this_ , she reminds herself. _And she has so much power_. Leia can sense her potential, the raw power waiting for control. “Report tomorrow for your training.”

“Yes, General.”

•••

[ _The General expects Master Friend-Poe’s report in five D’Qar minutes._ ]

Poe groans. There were few things he hated more than mission reports.

[ _The journey to the General’s office from your present location takes two D’Qar minutes. By self’s calculations, Master Friend-Poe has three D’Qar minutes to complete mission report_.]

“ _Thanks_ , BB-8,” Poe grumbles, “you’re so helpful.”

[ _Master Friend-Poe is welcome_.]

“One day I’ll teach that droid sarcasm,” Poe mutters to himself. He reads over his report quickly, signing at the end and closing the packet. All of the Resistance’s reports are handwritten- ostensibly to keep them secure from the First Order, although Poe suspects part of the reason is also to keep the details from the Republic.

Not that the Republic could be reading them anymore.

Poe stands, allowing himself a moment to stretch before reporting to the General. Finn still lies unconscious, and Rey hasn’t yet returned from her walk with the General. Poe supposes she’s getting breakfast, which his stomach angrily reminds him that he hasn’t eaten yet either.

“BB-8, stay here with Finn.”

[ _Self will stay with Friend-Finn. Master Friend-Poe must deliver mission report in three D’Qar minutes_.]

He glares grumpily at the droid. “Stop calling me Master.”

•••

Rey pushes her food around her plate, considering the General’s orders. She’s grateful for a reason to stay on base until Finn wakes up, even though she doesn’t feel like she needs the training. Her feelings towards the mission itself are… complicated.

She’s been here two days, and she’s itching to do _something_. Rey hates doing nothing, she always has. Now she’s here, with the Resistance, and she wants to help. Being the one to find Luke Skywalker would certainly be a step up from scavenging on Jakku. _So why are you so nervous about going? There’s nothing for you elsewhere. Maz was right. Nobody is coming back for you on Jakku_. She swallows, hard, fighting back panic, but she recognizes the truth.

Her parents aren’t coming back.

Han isn’t coming back either.

Rey pushes her food away, half-running out of the cafeteria. She’s thankful there are only a few late-rising soldiers there to watch her flee. She runs back to Finn’s room, the only place she can think to go, and finally lets grief overwhelm her.

 

**Day 3**

Poe sleeps in his own room that night, for several reasons.

One, that metal chair is uncomfortable, and he won’t listen to BB-8 chiding him every time he complains about his sore back.

Two, even if he pretended not to notice Rey’s red eyes and tear-streaked face, he knows she needs the privacy.

Three, watching Finn sleep makes him feel desperate and lonely and a few other things he doesn’t really have a name for.

Poe won’t admit to reason number three.

•••

The first thing they give Rey to train with is a staff.

“I already know how to fight with a staff,” she informs the snooty-looking captain who’s supposed to be training her, after repeating the same drill for the tenth time. She’s tired, and grumpy, and avoiding anything that could conceivably be an emotion, and she’s worried Finn will wake up without her while she wastes her time on these ridiculous exercises.

“All Resistance recruits begin training with the staff. This is the most basic weapon in close-quarter combat,” the captain informs her.

“I _know_ that.” Rey grits her teeth and smacks the bag of sand in front of her as hard as she can. “I’ve been using a staff for years.” _Smack_.

“When you have mastered the staff, we will move on to hand-to-hand combat.” _Smack_. “From there, the blaster.” _Smack_.

Rey imagines that the bad of sand is the snooty captain’s face. _Smack_.

They continue like this for hours, repeating drills Rey learned years ago while the captain rambles on about training in the Resistance. She uses the time to take out her frustrations- at the captain, at herself, at destiny, at everything. _Smack_.

Finally, as afternoon turns to evening, the captain stops her. “Your drills are acceptable. We will finish the day with sparring, so you may experience a real fight with a staff.”

Rey kicks his ass.

•••

That afternoon, Poe decides he’s sat in base long enough. Missions have been halted as the officers begin preparations to move base, and they’ll ground the pilots soon enough, so he wants to fly while he still has the chance. Poe can’t go that long without fresh air and a few loops around the planet.

He grabs his helmet, reaching for his jacket before he remembers it’s in Finn’s room, torn half to pieces. Poe makes a mental note to repair it before Finn wakes up. He takes a different jacket instead, one that doesn’t quite fit as well.

 _Keep it. It suits you._ He wasn’t just being nice. Finn looked damn good in that jacket.

Now he really needs fresh air.

Poe heads down to the hangar, BB-8 rolling silently behind him. It’s unusually quiet- it always is, after a battle. He’s long stopped letting himself think about why.

Suddenly, he stops, staring at the empty space where his X-Wing should be.

“Where the hell is my ship?” he demands, looking around the room. There are a few pilots doing maintenance, but none will meet his eye. “Pava? Wexley? What happened to my ship?”

Jessika Pava is the first to break the awkward silence that envelops the room. “Uh. The General was here.”

“And?”

“You should probably go see her yourself.”

Poe huffs, spinning on his heel and marching towards the General’s office. Nobody touches his ship, even the commanding officers. Everyone knows that nobody touches his ship. He barely stops to knock on the door- if it were anyone but the General, he would have simply walked in.

“General. My ship is missing.”

The General sighs quietly, not quite looking up at him. “I know.”

“What happened to it? If it’s been removed for maintenance, I want it back. I do maintenance myself.”

“It hasn’t been removed for maintenance.” She sighs again. “I had it removed from the hangar.”

“Why?”

BB-8 beeps behind him, but he’s too worked up now to listen.

“Commander Dameron, you have been restricted to base. You are under investigation for revealing intelligence to the First Order.”


	3. Chapter 3

“I’m under investigation.”

The galaxy is silent.

“For revealing intelligence to the First Order.”

The galaxy is screaming, and Poe can’t hear a word.

Snap told him once that when you’re about to die, your life flashes before your eyes. That’s the best description of what Poe experiences now. A career of flying, first for the Republic, then for the Resistance at the invitation of General Organa herself, going, going, _gone_.

The General is still talking, and BB-8 is trilling insistently behind him, and there’s a horrible ringing in his ears, permeating a brain that hasn’t felt like _his_ in days. He’s hot and cold, dread curled in the pit that used to be his stomach, squeezing him tight while it rips him to shreds.

Somewhere, far away, the General is telling him they have to keep some semblance of order and governance without the Republic, that he’ll testify in front of a committee and that should be the end of it. Equally far away is his own voice, speaking without his bidding, following the script. “Yes, General. I understand.” His feet move on their own, out of the room, down the hall, away.

When his breathing slows down and he comes back to his own body he’s in one of the abandoned sectors, curled up tight into a dusty corner. For the first time in years, Poe Dameron cries.

 

**Day 4**

Rey runs. She runs like she’s never run before, darting through the woods, feeling the sting of branches hitting her face. She’s clumsy and desperate, slipping on the unfamiliar terrain. The ground is nothing like Jakku, it feels different under her feet and she struggles to get her footing, but she runs.

She can hear his feet crunching against the ground. His breath is on the back of her neck.

_Rey. These are your first steps._

He catches up to her, and her body explodes in pain.

Then she wakes up. She’s sprawled on the floor of Finn’s room, back stinging where she hit the ground hard after she fell out of her chair. The ground beneath her is tile, not snow, and the only sounds are the beeping of the machines and Finn’s even breaths. Rey sits up gingerly. She’ll be bruised tomorrow, she can already tell. She’s still wiping the sleep from her eyes when Major Kalonia opens the door.

“Miss Rey! I thought you would be at training.”

_Shit._

The snooty captain is not impressed when Rey bursts into the training room, twenty minutes late and flushed from sprinting across base. Neither, it seems, are the gaggle of young recruits in two lines across the room. “If you had been here on time, you would have been informed that you were joining the rest of the recruits recruits for training,” the captain informs her. “However, since you are clearly unprepared, you will continue individual training with the staff today.” Rey somehow manages to swallow her groan. “In addition, while you may believe that you are more exceptional than the rest of us, I expect you to follow the same rules as any Resistance recruit. From now on you will live and train with your squadron, and you will wear a standard-issue uniform.”

All in all, it was not a good morning.

•••

If General Organa’s glare could actually kill (and this would not surprise Admiral Statura at all), most of the room would likely be dead at the moment. In his years with the Resistance, Statura wasn’t sure he’d ever seen her quite so angry.

“I think you’re all being fools,” she says icily, surveying the gathering of senior officers.

“I understand your concerns, General, but-” tired old Major Ematt begins.

“But I’m outvoted. You’ve made that quite clear. It seems to be happening a lot lately.” She isn’t wrong, and privately Statura agrees with her. If it were up to him, the Resistance would be abandoning D’Qar and the entire Ileenium system as quickly as possible, but Ematt insists that they take the time to map out an entire new base before moving. Between this and the debates over Dameron and the scavenger, a lesser woman than the General would surely have fired all her officers long ago.

After the meeting, Leia expresses her concerns more privately. “We’re wasting time, and we both know it, Admiral,” she snaps, more at the situation than at Statura himself. “The First Order knows exactly where we are, and they’re not going to sit on that information for long. The longer we dawdle on D’Qar, the bigger the fleet they’re gathering to destroy us.”

“If you issue the order to move base, General, then Major Ematt cannot stop you.”

“I know.” She sits with a heavy sigh. “I know I have that power, but I don’t want to make that call. Ematt thinks this is right, and he knows his job better than I do.” Statura disagrees, but he knows better than to say so.

“We should have sent Rey after my damned brother as soon as she got here.” She sighs again, then indicates the door. “You don’t have to stay and listen to me question the entire Resistance, Admiral.”

“Yes, General.”

•••

Admiral Statura closes the door behind him, and Leia rests her head heavily on her desk. She feels drained, like she’s sweating her life energy into the humid D’Qar air. Statura’s right, of course- if she ignores Ematt and gives the order to move, the base will be cleared in days. She just doesn’t want to give those orders on her own any more. Not after _him_.

Leia closes her eyes and forces herself to confront the truth. She had sent Han to Starkiller Base, against the advice of her senior officers, because she wanted him to bring her son home.

Neither of them are coming home.

“I’m in such a mess, Han,” she whispers. “I’m stuck on a doomed planet with a target on my back, with nobody searching for Luke, all because I let them talk me into it.” The aching silence swallows her words, leaving her completely alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic started out as a writing exercise that I posted for the fun of it, so I didn't expect people would actually read it, let alone leave such sweet comments! This chapter is a bit short because I'm going to write some actual plot next time. Hoping to finish up by the end of the week.


End file.
